BREAKING UP WITH SHANNEN DOHERTY
I watched the preview of this pigfuck last night and was both horrified and delighted. Basically the premise is that a guy or girl solicits Shannen’s help in breaking up with their partner for the reason that they are scared to do it themselves. This last part is code for either “wants to be on tv” or “wants to meet Shannen Doherty” (and with good reason).
The most interesting thing about the show is not the cheaply produced segments with Ikea-laden sets but rather the lengths they go to set up the potential heartbroken person. Yes, that is right. Shannen doesn’t just meet up with these creatures at the nearest coffee shop, they actually SET THEM UP. They plot and they scheme and they put these people in stupid situations and then Shannen comes with her black hair and even blacker heart.
There were two couples featured in last night’s ep. The first was a woman either in her 20s or 50s, I couldn’t decide. She is dating an annoying idiot who proves to be a huge pig. For this couple, the woman “tricks” her boyfriend into going with her to, and please bear with me, an empty dining hall with a psychologist chef who is supposed to cook for and analyze their relationship. Confusing enough? Not enough for Shannen. The chef, who is a paid “actor”, also pretends not to speak English so he has to have a translator, another “actor.” Makes as much sense as LiLo taking gun lessons to go to Iraq. At this point, the boyfriend should have broken up with the lady for suggesting such a fucking dumbass idea. I also start wondering if I’m actually watching HiJinx for Kids on Nickelodeon and Susan Sarandon is going to come alive from her wax statue to scare kids and then the mothers will laugh and hug and kiss their ugly progeny in an uproar of idiocy.
"A lot of the torture's psychological." - RE: pranking her kids
The best part of this whole charade is that Shannen is sitting backstage watching a $59 dollar TV of all that is going on. She proceeds to mutter inaudible things under her breath – no doubt insults at the pig-head man. The only audible thing she says is “I can’t wait to break up with you.” She looks ravenous - its awesome.
The girlfriend suddenly feels sick and leaves the room. Out comes none other than the diva-bitch herself carrying dessert. She quickly sidles up to her prey. The boyfriend sort of recognizes her. Shannen introduces herself and he proceeds to hit on her, further inciting her thirst for man-blood. He says “You are sexier in person than on TV” – Shannen produces a small giggle but still wants to eat his testicles. Then she says, “I’m here to break up with you because blah blah is too scared to do it herself – so you can either hear it from me or you can watch it on the TV.” He ignores the question and says, “That’s fine. You and I have more chemistry than she and I do.” Shannen ain’t having it: “No we don’t” she flat-lines. Then the kicker, the boyfriend asks Shannen, “Are you ovulating?” My mind went into a temporary coma and I was only resuscitated when the next segment began.
The next couple is a younger couple - I’m guessing late teens or early twenties. This time the boyfriend needs to break up with the girlfriend because she is too controlling. He seems like a sweet guy but undoubtedly into Shannen. This set up is even more retarded than the last. The boyfriend convinces the girlfriend to take a temp job as a phone-relationship-therapist. Right… but it is actually quite genius. She is sitting there giving people relationship advice and then Shannen calls basically regurgitating what the boyfriend told her about his girlfriend: “Yes, I want to talk about my relationship. My boyfriend is really controlling, he doesn’t let me go out with my friends…” The girlfriend tries to give advice, Shannen asks via phone if she can talk to her in person. The girlfriend says that that is probably not a good idea but, SHIT, Shannon is already in the room on the phone! What is going on here?
Shannen befriends the girl long enough to explain why she is there and to ask: “Your boyfriend is breaking up with you, do you want to hear it from me or watch him on the television?” This line, in its simplicity and clarity, rivals only “Deal or No Deal?” The girlfriend watches the tape, cries buckets and Shannen is actually quite good at calming her and even makes her laugh a few times. Then, Shannen’s true colors come out – she starts saying how she had done this controlling shit with her ex-husband. Then she says that we’re all a little crazy (meaning women) and we have to fight the impulse.
Just close your eyes and keep them closed
until I'm done killing you.
This is when I started to realize why Shannen and this show are a perfect combination: Shannen hates guys. It is that simple. She’ll be a huge raging bitch to the broken-up guys who really probably won’t give a shit to begin with and then she’ll be a perfect confidante for the weeping, broken down girls. Ah, genius. I salute you Shannen and cannot wait to see more.
Here’s hoping one break up is on a boat and ends with you getting stabbed… by the way, thank you for that Joey Greco.